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| (Martin Keus Photography) |
This past summer our oldest child, our son, got married. It was a new experience for us, and an exciting one too. THAT moment had arrived - the moment that one of our children actually gets married. An event that I'd always envisioned - even when he was a child. We always talked to our children about their futures - "when you get married, if that is the Lord's will for you..." Having it arrive was exciting and humbling.
Of course any mom would be emotional at such an event, and since I'm an emotional person anyway, I knew I didn't stand a chance of avoiding tears. But I didn't think that my tears would be a torrent! I really didn't.
When I was walking down the aisle with Andrew Peter just moments before he said his wedding vows, I glanced up at him and in that split second it was like God was saying to me "See, I had my hand on him the whole time!" and I saw the time when I was first pregnant with him and had started bleeding (6 weeks). I had an ultrasound to see if I was miscarrying ... but instead we saw his heart beating! ... In that split second, at the wedding, all my doubts from back in 1988 were shown to me ... it was humbling and amazing.
You see, the bleeding didn't stop. It kept going and I waited to miscarry. I wish I could say that I trusted God's provision for my life, but I didn't as I should have. My faith was weak. I hoped. I wished. I thought about other things. And I tried to have faith. Even when things seemed impossible.
But I didn't totally trust.
It was humbling to see myself way back then fretting and fearing, trusting in God but not the trusting that He wants and requires of us and that we're silly not to do.
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| better days, 1989, closer to delivery |
It's hard to explain but it has been amazing to see the tapestry that God has been weaving in our lives - a lot unseen by us - but He was always there, weaving His plans for us.
God not only provided for my life - He caused my pregnancy to proceed, albeit too "eventful" for my liking. He provided us with a well-born son and our first child. (And we realize that sometimes providing us with what we want isn't God's will - we did lose two unborn children and went through a total of five similar pregnancies.) But God provided our son with his faith in God, He blessed our feeble efforts as parents and made them good, He blessed my failings as a homeschool mom and teacher, and He answered our many prayers for our son's future wife ... He provided a good and godly wife for our son!
How could I not feel humbled? Feel awed?
Feel HELD by His hands?
He provided this experience to us and He has used that awful experience for His glory. Through it we have been given an empathy for others - for the value of unborn children, for an understanding of the angst that couples go through, couples who really, really would love to have their child in their arms one day. And we were given a huge love for children - our own and others.
It was an awesome experience to feel things come full circle. To see way back then in the light of today's faith and spiritual growth. And to view the future with the knowledge of my weak faith years ago, knowing that today's faith is also likely a weak faith in the future! God grows our faith by our trusting in Him.
I pray that this experience causes my heart to trust God more and more in my life!
